Puppy Bowl Veteran “Vick” Expected To Have Career Game

Atlanta, GA – Pure-bread German Shepherd “Vick” (110 lbs) is getting a second chance at puppy bowl glory after surviving two euthanization attempts; a punishment earned after biting a small child two months earlier.  Las Vegas is expecting him to earn most valuable puppy, as well as draw 8+ penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct.  He can run a 3.2 40 and has a bite force of 370 psi – almost double what is needed to snap the neck of a smaller dog.  He is expected to line up against “Fluffy”, the rookie Wheaten terrier from PA – at least until “Fluffy” inevitably leaves the game on a stretcher.  Coaches have advised against double covering “Vick” to minimize casualties.  When asked if he was excited for the big game, “Vick” wagged his tail and began disemboweling a stuffed teddy bear.  Every dog has his day, and all signs are pointing to “Vick” having a big day.

Kentucky Derby Jockey Put Down After Breaking Leg

Louisville, KY – Tragedy struck on Saturday as prize-winning Jockey, Steve Biscuit broke his leg a mere two lengths from the Kentucky Derby finish line.  As the Churchill Downs veterinarian walked out onto the polytrack, double-barrel shotgun in hand, the crowd fell silent.  No one was more devastated than owner Mike Daniels.  Steve Biscuit, sired by Lee Biscuit, was purchased by Daniels at 1 year of age.  “I remember his first race… He got spooked and ran all the way back to the barn,” recounted Daniels, wiping a tear from his eye, “I miss him already.  Not just for emotional reasons, but for the financial ones too.”  Lee was 112 pounds of pure muscle; a real specimen.  Daniels had consistently invested in Lee by providing the highest quality feed and shoes. “I’ll always remember the first time I was nailing his brand new Sketchers [size 4] into his feet.  He hated it at first, but he learned to love them.”  Daniels had been in talks with various breeders to sell Lee’s mating rights for upward of two million.  Visitation will be next Saturday from 10:00-2:00 before Lee is shipped to his final resting place, Elmer’s glue factory.

Child In Make-A-Wish Program Takes Fall For Patriots Deflated Footballs

Foxborough, MA –With reports of the Patriots deflating footballs in order to gain an advantage over the Indianapolis Colts, the NFL launched an investigation.  “Well, I didn’t want to have to throw anyone under the bus…” said Coach Bill Belichick, “…but it was all Daniel.”

Daniel Ryan, the 7-year-old scapegoat, has been battling cancer for months.  Fortunately, the Make-A-Wish Foundation granted Daniel’s wish to watch from the sidelines as his favorite football team wins the AFC championship.

“It was one hundred percent his idea, and the rest of us were oblivious,” said Belichick, who later pointed out that the rule book doesn’t say anything about using balls specifically deflated by cancer patients.  When Tom Brady was asked why he didn’t notify officials when he noticed the underinflated balls, he admitted he “really didn’t want to let Daniel down.” And that he “had to win for Daniel’s sake.”

Update – League officials are very suspicious upon learning that Daniel was not even in attendance during the game and therefore could NOT have been the one to deflate the footballs.  Earlier in the day, Daniel was hospitalized, (presumably because he made eye contact with Belichick) causing him to miss the championship game.

Belichick could not be reached for comment on this new development because he was nose deep in a stolen Seahawks’ playbook and couldn’t be disturbed.

Dumb Look On Jay Cutler’s Face Actually Evidence Of Permanent Concussion

Doctors have determined that the Chicago Bears Quarterback suffered a rare ‘permanent concussion’ while playing college football at Vanderbilt University.  Permanent concussions are characterized by dumb facial expressions and poor decision making.  Because this type of brain trauma is difficult to detect, the injury went unnoticed until his ninth year in the NFL. Suddenly, Cutler turning the ball over 21 times this season isn’t so bewildering. Many Bears fans are now questioning whether or not general manager Phil Emery also has a permanent concussion due to the fact that he signed Jay Cutler to a 126 million dollar contract.

Carson Palmer Returns With Peg Leg

Glendale, AZ – Cardinal fans everywhere lamented the loss of their quarterback Carson Palmer two weeks earlier when he re-tore his ACL in a game against the Saint Louis Rams.  Fortunately for them, Palmer has returned with a high quality, solid oak prosthesis.  Backup quarterback Drew Stanton took over for Palmer following the injury, but had not been able to convince fans that he could be a viable replacement.  “Carson really didn’t want to have his leg replaced by a piece of driftwood, but I was successfully able to convince him that it would be in the team’s best interest” said head coach Bruce Arians.

Palmer’s surgeon, Dr. Edward Price, said the surgery is very risky due to the possibly of 3^rd degree splinters.  Even if everything goes as planned in the operating room, this type of surgery is very prone to dry rot, warping, and termites.  “This particular surgical solution is probably not that great in the long run… Then again… someone who is willing to play in the NFL probably isn’t all that concerned about their future wellbeing anyway” said Price.

The Chicago Bulls are rumored to be considering this radical surgery for Derrick Rose as well.