Benihana Restaurants Regret Using Revolutionary ‘Cook It Yourself, In Front Of Yourself’ Tactic

Miami, FL – Benihanas is famous for having the chefs cook the meal on a hibachi grill at the customer’s table while doing tricks such as throwing knives, using spatulas to throw shrimp tails, etc.  “With the increasing popularity of topping personalization, as seen in Subway and Chipotle restaurants, we thought ‘let’s take it one step further’, and let our customers personally cook their own food,” said Benihana CEO Richard Stockinger.  “Everyone loves watching one of our chefs twirl a knife around their finger.  Now they get to try for themselves.”

When Misinformer reporters arrived at a local Benihanas to investigate the new program, the restaurant was in a state of chaos.  Fire truck and ambulance lights lit up the parking lot, smoke poured out through the doors of the restaurant, and screams echoed from inside.  Fire Chief Matthew Ford was at the scene. “Yeah, within minutes of them starting this thing, we got a call.  Mostly it was people’s clothes catching on fire.  One guy layed his face on the grill while trying to catch a shrimp tail,” said Ford.  “The ambulance guys have had it rough.  They’ve been removing chopsticks from every orifice imaginable.  They also have to sort through all the severed fingers and figure out which one belongs to who.”

“All that said, I have a reservation tomorrow night, and I’m really excited for my own unique experience.”

McDonalds Announces New Fat Recycling Program

Oakbrook, IL – McDonalds CEO Donald Thompson announced an exciting new recycling plan to cut down on costs on Monday.  The average McDonalds restaurant uses countless gallons of grease each day in the deep fryer.  Smaller amounts of grease are also used to cook burgers and lubricate some larger customers to help squeeze them through the doors.  The radical new recycling program utilizes liposuction (the common surgical technique of removing fat from one’s body with a hose).  The fat collected from customers’ bodies will be drained directly into the deep fryer, flavoring the next delicious batch of McDonald’s world famous french fries.

The McCycle

“We at McDonalds are at least partly responsible for some of our customers’ weight issues.  A portion of that jiggling blubber hanging off nearly every American’s belly was once a succulent golden french fry,” said Thompson.  “It only makes sense that we harvest that flab, melt it down, and reuse it.  Then it can become part of someone else’s enormous gut.  Then we can siphon it out again.  It’s all part of the McCycle.”

Not only does this process help save money, it also reduces McDonalds’ pavement footprint. A pavement footprint is like a carbon footprint, but McDonalds customers are more likely to leave footprints in solid concrete. To compete with McDonalds’ success, Burger King is reportedly trying to implement a new soda-recycling program.

Anxious, Paranoid Bryan Cranston Looking To Score Next Hit TV Show

Bryan Cranston before (L) and after (R) ‘Breaking Bad’

Albuquerque, NM – Bryan Cranston was recently seen nonchalantly, yet suspiciously, asking pedestrians if they had any good TV scripts.  When Misinformer reporters approached the star of the hit television show ‘Breaking Bad,’ he appeared visibly disturbed and very pale.  “Come on, I just need something to tide me over until my next big score” said a noticeably thinner Cranston.  When told that we didn’t have any screenplays for him, his mood rapidly shifted.  “If you’re here to take my Emmys, I hope you realize I’m not afraid of you.  I am the danger,” he exclaimed threateningly.  After some convincing that his Emmys were not in danger, the paranoid delusions subsided, and Cranston was able to relax a bit and participate in the interview.

“Man, there is just no euphoria like the first time we filmed ‘Breaking Bad.’  I’ve been chasing that dragon ever since,” said Cranston, while picking at imaginary bugs on his face.  He went on to explain how he hasn’t been able to eat or sleep lately.  He also seemed very disinterested in his friends/costars Aaron Paul and Anna Gunn.  Cranston argued they weren’t friends because Paul wouldn’t even get him a part in the recent ‘Need for Speed’ movie.  He later added, “They don’t care about me, you know?  [Breaking Bad Creator] Gilligan used to hook me up with the best stuff, but he won’t anymore.”

“For a while there, I thought about trying to manufacture my own high-quality screenplays in my basement,” said Cranston, noting that he had a good formula for a show. “But, if you don’t mix plot, cinematography, and directing just right, then the character chemistry off.  When the chemistry is off, careers can be injured, or even killed.”

In light of these events, treatment centers are opening up across the country to help actors of once great TV shows survive withdrawal symptoms like these.  Michael C. Hall of Showtime’s ‘Dexter’ was admitted to one of these centers in Miami after he was seen purchasing plastic wrap, knives, and glass slides.