Joyous Tears Shed As Soldier Safely Returns To Afghanistan After Tour Of Vacation In Detroit

Afghanistan – Glee, Delight, Jubilation:  all these words could describe the mood as Private Joseph Albertson popped out of a giant present to surprise his platoon.  He returned to duty at an army base in Afghanistan after spending the winter holiday with his family in Detroit, Michigan.  “I’m just so glad he made it back safe and sound!” said Albertson’s Sergeant, Dale Cargill.  “I mean, you see all those news stories about what goes on over there, and… well, we were just really worried about Joe.”  The sergeant took a break from answering questions so he could join the ‘welcome back group-hug.’

Albertson claimed he was woken by the sound of gunfire in the street nearly every night during his vacation tour.  “I just hid under my blanket and thought about the warm Afghani desert sun and all my friends.  I just prayed to God that I would survive so I could see their smiling faces again,” recounted Albertson.  “I’m really glad to be back here,” he said. “I’m surrounded by friends, and I’m much less worried about someone trying to break into my home and threaten my life.”  Albertson went on to say that he knows he is probably going to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, but his ‘army buddies’ are an excellent support group.  He is confident that they will get him through this difficult time.

After living through a traumatic event, many people often suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  Albertson is being closely monitored by military psychologists for PTSD.  Nurses warn that the sound of the base being mortared by extremist groups could trigger some of his memories of time spent in the desolate, ‘third world-esque’ land that is Detroit.

“The saddest thing,” sergeant Cargill explained, “is when one of our own doesn’t survive their vacation tour.  We lost a lot of good men vacationing in Chicago and St. Louis.”  If Congress could just see what these soldiers are going through, maybe they would put their egos aside and start a few more wars to get more of our citizens overseas.

Perhaps the most important benefit of Albertson returning is that he has access to a run-down Afghani medical tent if he needs any medical treatment, which is substantially more desirable than dealing with the VA hospital system.

Child In Make-A-Wish Program Takes Fall For Patriots Deflated Footballs

Foxborough, MA –With reports of the Patriots deflating footballs in order to gain an advantage over the Indianapolis Colts, the NFL launched an investigation.  “Well, I didn’t want to have to throw anyone under the bus…” said Coach Bill Belichick, “…but it was all Daniel.”

Daniel Ryan, the 7-year-old scapegoat, has been battling cancer for months.  Fortunately, the Make-A-Wish Foundation granted Daniel’s wish to watch from the sidelines as his favorite football team wins the AFC championship.

“It was one hundred percent his idea, and the rest of us were oblivious,” said Belichick, who later pointed out that the rule book doesn’t say anything about using balls specifically deflated by cancer patients.  When Tom Brady was asked why he didn’t notify officials when he noticed the underinflated balls, he admitted he “really didn’t want to let Daniel down.” And that he “had to win for Daniel’s sake.”

Update – League officials are very suspicious upon learning that Daniel was not even in attendance during the game and therefore could NOT have been the one to deflate the footballs.  Earlier in the day, Daniel was hospitalized, (presumably because he made eye contact with Belichick) causing him to miss the championship game.

Belichick could not be reached for comment on this new development because he was nose deep in a stolen Seahawks’ playbook and couldn’t be disturbed.

Benihana Restaurants Regret Using Revolutionary ‘Cook It Yourself, In Front Of Yourself’ Tactic

Miami, FL – Benihanas is famous for having the chefs cook the meal on a hibachi grill at the customer’s table while doing tricks such as throwing knives, using spatulas to throw shrimp tails, etc.  “With the increasing popularity of topping personalization, as seen in Subway and Chipotle restaurants, we thought ‘let’s take it one step further’, and let our customers personally cook their own food,” said Benihana CEO Richard Stockinger.  “Everyone loves watching one of our chefs twirl a knife around their finger.  Now they get to try for themselves.”

When Misinformer reporters arrived at a local Benihanas to investigate the new program, the restaurant was in a state of chaos.  Fire truck and ambulance lights lit up the parking lot, smoke poured out through the doors of the restaurant, and screams echoed from inside.  Fire Chief Matthew Ford was at the scene. “Yeah, within minutes of them starting this thing, we got a call.  Mostly it was people’s clothes catching on fire.  One guy layed his face on the grill while trying to catch a shrimp tail,” said Ford.  “The ambulance guys have had it rough.  They’ve been removing chopsticks from every orifice imaginable.  They also have to sort through all the severed fingers and figure out which one belongs to who.”

“All that said, I have a reservation tomorrow night, and I’m really excited for my own unique experience.”