Gorilla Embarrassed To Share Common Ancestor With Creationist Ken Ham

San Francisco, CA – Koko the gorilla, famous for her ability to communicate through sign language, recently expressed her embarrassment that she and Ken Ham evolved from a common ancestor.  Ken Ham is a prominent creationist and president of Answers in Genesis, a group which operates the ‘Creation Museum’ in Petersburg, Kentucky.  Koko watched a recording of the 2014 debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye ‘The Science Guy’ over the origins of planet earth and humanity.

Ken Ham

“I can’t believe this man is unable to grasp the concept of sharing a common ancestor versus evolving directly from apes,” signed Koko (according to her caretaker).  “And how does he think that all these animals actually fit onto a small wooden boat? It just isn’t feasible.” Koko went on to say how ridiculous it is that Ham thinks that a book written years and years ago is somehow more reliable than scientifically proven carbon dating or geologic and fossil evidence.

Koko also identified molecular biology’s role in evolution, stating “Humans and apes share analogous chromosomes, including a fusion of two ape chromosomes to make human chromosome 2…” At this point, the translator seemed to get confused.  “I think Koko is saying something about embryology, but honestly a lot of this stuff is going over my head…” said the caretaker.

Once Koko got done signing about the technical intricacies of evolution, she went in a more philosophical direction.  “It’s not that I am absolutely sure God doesn’t exist, He might.  If He does exist, I’m sure God used evolution as a tool to get the world to where it is today.”  Such a high level of intelligence and understanding from this creature is truly remarkable; especially considering Ken Ham probably couldn’t learn sign language even if he tried.

Dumb Look On Jay Cutler’s Face Actually Evidence Of Permanent Concussion

Doctors have determined that the Chicago Bears Quarterback suffered a rare ‘permanent concussion’ while playing college football at Vanderbilt University.  Permanent concussions are characterized by dumb facial expressions and poor decision making.  Because this type of brain trauma is difficult to detect, the injury went unnoticed until his ninth year in the NFL. Suddenly, Cutler turning the ball over 21 times this season isn’t so bewildering. Many Bears fans are now questioning whether or not general manager Phil Emery also has a permanent concussion due to the fact that he signed Jay Cutler to a 126 million dollar contract.

McDonalds Announces New Fat Recycling Program

Oakbrook, IL – McDonalds CEO Donald Thompson announced an exciting new recycling plan to cut down on costs on Monday.  The average McDonalds restaurant uses countless gallons of grease each day in the deep fryer.  Smaller amounts of grease are also used to cook burgers and lubricate some larger customers to help squeeze them through the doors.  The radical new recycling program utilizes liposuction (the common surgical technique of removing fat from one’s body with a hose).  The fat collected from customers’ bodies will be drained directly into the deep fryer, flavoring the next delicious batch of McDonald’s world famous french fries.

The McCycle

“We at McDonalds are at least partly responsible for some of our customers’ weight issues.  A portion of that jiggling blubber hanging off nearly every American’s belly was once a succulent golden french fry,” said Thompson.  “It only makes sense that we harvest that flab, melt it down, and reuse it.  Then it can become part of someone else’s enormous gut.  Then we can siphon it out again.  It’s all part of the McCycle.”

Not only does this process help save money, it also reduces McDonalds’ pavement footprint. A pavement footprint is like a carbon footprint, but McDonalds customers are more likely to leave footprints in solid concrete. To compete with McDonalds’ success, Burger King is reportedly trying to implement a new soda-recycling program.

Geneticist Opens ‘Jurassic Botanical Gardens’

San Diego, CA – Misinformer reporters attended the grand opening of ‘Jurassic Botanical Gardens’ led by Dr. Alvin Stone, lead Geneticist of the park.  A transcript of Stone’s speech follows.

“People have always been fascinated with prehistoric life.  Now, everyone will finally have the chance to see prehistoric plants alive in front of their very eyes.  Like in the movie ‘Jurassic Park,’ we were able to extract DNA from fossilized insects.  We then spent the last 25 years isolating the plant strains (by removing dinosaur strains). After that, we put them into palm tree seeds and grew our very own prehistoric plants!

Children around the world will get to look up at an incredible 300 foot tall Araucaria mirabilis tree and imagine a giant Brachiasaurus chewing on the leaves.  Or, if trees aren’t your thing, we’ve got bushes too.  You’ll get to look at a group of Equisetum thermale bushes and picture in your mind’s eye, a ferocious Velociraptor hiding behind them, stalking its prey.

Not only are these advancements useful for entertainment, but also for research.  There are so many questions that people had, like ‘do prehistoric plants photosynthesize?’ and now we know they do.  Or… I don’t know…‘were prehistoric plants green?’ ….and they are.  Ok, so… the questions are admittedly not that interesting.  The real appeal of our new park is definitely getting to imagine your favorite dinosaurs scattered among some actual prehistoric botanicals.

Our most exciting exhibit is the Tyrannosaurus-imagining exhibit.  We have several Cycadeoidea megalophylla that have been flattened and you get to picture a giant T-Rex crushing this measly plant with his massive foot while chasing a smaller weaker dinosaur.  Or you can envision the T-Rex knocking down the plant while locked in a deadly battle with a Triceratops.

Man… just the thought of watching that fight… Could you imagine if we had actually made a real-life Tyrannosaurus Rex? Wait…Shit…”

Stone then turned away from his microphone, towards his team of scientists on stage.  He appeared to say “Whose idea was it to make fucking plants?… Why didn’t someone say something?! We fucked up!”  Stone stormed off stage, presumably realizing he had wasted 25 years of his life.

Carson Palmer Returns With Peg Leg

Glendale, AZ – Cardinal fans everywhere lamented the loss of their quarterback Carson Palmer two weeks earlier when he re-tore his ACL in a game against the Saint Louis Rams.  Fortunately for them, Palmer has returned with a high quality, solid oak prosthesis.  Backup quarterback Drew Stanton took over for Palmer following the injury, but had not been able to convince fans that he could be a viable replacement.  “Carson really didn’t want to have his leg replaced by a piece of driftwood, but I was successfully able to convince him that it would be in the team’s best interest” said head coach Bruce Arians.

Palmer’s surgeon, Dr. Edward Price, said the surgery is very risky due to the possibly of 3^rd degree splinters.  Even if everything goes as planned in the operating room, this type of surgery is very prone to dry rot, warping, and termites.  “This particular surgical solution is probably not that great in the long run… Then again… someone who is willing to play in the NFL probably isn’t all that concerned about their future wellbeing anyway” said Price.

The Chicago Bulls are rumored to be considering this radical surgery for Derrick Rose as well.