Puppy Bowl Veteran “Vick” Expected To Have Career Game

Atlanta, GA – Pure-bread German Shepherd “Vick” (110 lbs) is getting a second chance at puppy bowl glory after surviving two euthanization attempts; a punishment earned after biting a small child two months earlier.  Las Vegas is expecting him to earn most valuable puppy, as well as draw 8+ penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct.  He can run a 3.2 40 and has a bite force of 370 psi – almost double what is needed to snap the neck of a smaller dog.  He is expected to line up against “Fluffy”, the rookie Wheaten terrier from PA – at least until “Fluffy” inevitably leaves the game on a stretcher.  Coaches have advised against double covering “Vick” to minimize casualties.  When asked if he was excited for the big game, “Vick” wagged his tail and began disemboweling a stuffed teddy bear.  Every dog has his day, and all signs are pointing to “Vick” having a big day.

Kentucky Derby Jockey Put Down After Breaking Leg

Louisville, KY – Tragedy struck on Saturday as prize-winning Jockey, Steve Biscuit broke his leg a mere two lengths from the Kentucky Derby finish line.  As the Churchill Downs veterinarian walked out onto the polytrack, double-barrel shotgun in hand, the crowd fell silent.  No one was more devastated than owner Mike Daniels.  Steve Biscuit, sired by Lee Biscuit, was purchased by Daniels at 1 year of age.  “I remember his first race… He got spooked and ran all the way back to the barn,” recounted Daniels, wiping a tear from his eye, “I miss him already.  Not just for emotional reasons, but for the financial ones too.”  Lee was 112 pounds of pure muscle; a real specimen.  Daniels had consistently invested in Lee by providing the highest quality feed and shoes. “I’ll always remember the first time I was nailing his brand new Sketchers [size 4] into his feet.  He hated it at first, but he learned to love them.”  Daniels had been in talks with various breeders to sell Lee’s mating rights for upward of two million.  Visitation will be next Saturday from 10:00-2:00 before Lee is shipped to his final resting place, Elmer’s glue factory.

Guy Buying Fire Extinguisher Seems To Be In Big Hurry

Cedar Park, Texas – A local suburban man was seen standing in line at a nearby hardware store to purchase a fire extinguisher. “Geez, what is this guy’s problem?” said store patron Mindy Williams. “He’s fidgeting and dancing around like a 5 year old who has to go to the bathroom.” “Yeah, and why is he so sweaty and out of breath?” added 2nd in line Gina Fitzgerald.  “He somehow managed to sweat through a suit!”

The anxious man was spotted moving from line to line, only to find that each new line was moving more slowly than the last.  Eventually, he was seen asking Fitzgerald if he could go ahead of her.  She, of course, denied.  “He actually had the nerve to ask if he could cut in line,” she said. “He needs to accept the fact that we are all in a rush to get to the places we have to be.” Williams added that she did not like people who smoke. “I bet he was in a hurry to buy more cigarettes.  He smelled like a freaking chimney.”

College Fraternity Member Found To Have Dangerously Low Blood Alcohol Content

Urbana-Champagne, IL – Kevin “Keg-a-tron” Johnson was rushed to the nearest infirmary after being found to have a blood alcohol content, or BAC, of only 0.09% – only one point over the legal driving limit.  BACs in the single digits have not been seen in the AOM fraternity since finals week, 1962 – the year the fraternity was founded.  Fortunately, a nearby sorority house had a functioning medical tent.

Well-trained nursing students were constantly at Kevin’s bedside to monitor his recovery while the whisky IV returned Kevin to his baseline altered mental status.  “I could feel rational, lucid, conscious thoughts creeping in” he slurred, sipping a cold Keystone light in his recovery blanket. “It’s scary, bro, I think I almost remembered some responsibilities for a second there.”  Nursing students were standing by with an emergency beer bong in case Kevin started asking where he was, or how he got there – classic signs of sobering up.  After a few hours, nausea and vomiting set in, followed by blurry vison and incomprehensible speech. These symptoms, while alarming to the average person, actually indicated that Kevin was, in fact, ready to return to the party.

Twins Separated At Birth Successfully Reconnected

Huntsville, AL – Betsy Green has spent the last 16 years of her life watching her congenital twin sons (previously termed “Siamese twins”), Zach and Tyler, after being surgically separated at birth, lead two distinct and independent lives.  “They hardly spend any time together,” she lamented.  “Zach is such a video-gamer,’ while Tyler is more of a fishing and hunting kind of guy.  They don’t have the same friends, they don’t share a bedroom…. You can barely even tell they’re twins.”

Local surgeon Dr. Gerald Beasley orchestrated a grueling 26 hour surgery to rejoin the two boys’ major organs.  Zach and Tyler now share a heart, liver, stomach, and most of their intestines.  They will each have control of one arm and one leg.  “Sibling bonding time is crucial for proper psychological development” says Dr. Beasley.  “Who knows how these kids might have turned out without each other’s constant support and involvement and intrusion in each other’s lives?”

The doctor also went on to add: “unfortunately, as with any surgery, there are risks and downsides.  The physical toll of a conjoinment surgery has probably taken many years off these boys’ lives…. But at least they will spend the little time they have left in the same body.”  “…and there won’t be any more fighting over who gets to use the shower first before school” Betsy added with a hearty chuckle.

The boys’ father, John Green, is in full support of the surgery. “Now, if Zach finally lands that first date with a cute cheerleader, Tyler will be right there on the date too.  And he can give real time advice and tell Zach some clever lines to keep his date interested,” he said.  “We’re just so thankful that the surgery was a success.  Now these two boys have their entire life ahead of them.”

As the old saying goes – ‘Two heads are better than one.’

Joyous Tears Shed As Soldier Safely Returns To Afghanistan After Tour Of Vacation In Detroit

Afghanistan – Glee, Delight, Jubilation:  all these words could describe the mood as Private Joseph Albertson popped out of a giant present to surprise his platoon.  He returned to duty at an army base in Afghanistan after spending the winter holiday with his family in Detroit, Michigan.  “I’m just so glad he made it back safe and sound!” said Albertson’s Sergeant, Dale Cargill.  “I mean, you see all those news stories about what goes on over there, and… well, we were just really worried about Joe.”  The sergeant took a break from answering questions so he could join the ‘welcome back group-hug.’

Albertson claimed he was woken by the sound of gunfire in the street nearly every night during his vacation tour.  “I just hid under my blanket and thought about the warm Afghani desert sun and all my friends.  I just prayed to God that I would survive so I could see their smiling faces again,” recounted Albertson.  “I’m really glad to be back here,” he said. “I’m surrounded by friends, and I’m much less worried about someone trying to break into my home and threaten my life.”  Albertson went on to say that he knows he is probably going to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, but his ‘army buddies’ are an excellent support group.  He is confident that they will get him through this difficult time.

After living through a traumatic event, many people often suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  Albertson is being closely monitored by military psychologists for PTSD.  Nurses warn that the sound of the base being mortared by extremist groups could trigger some of his memories of time spent in the desolate, ‘third world-esque’ land that is Detroit.

“The saddest thing,” sergeant Cargill explained, “is when one of our own doesn’t survive their vacation tour.  We lost a lot of good men vacationing in Chicago and St. Louis.”  If Congress could just see what these soldiers are going through, maybe they would put their egos aside and start a few more wars to get more of our citizens overseas.

Perhaps the most important benefit of Albertson returning is that he has access to a run-down Afghani medical tent if he needs any medical treatment, which is substantially more desirable than dealing with the VA hospital system.

Child In Make-A-Wish Program Takes Fall For Patriots Deflated Footballs

Foxborough, MA –With reports of the Patriots deflating footballs in order to gain an advantage over the Indianapolis Colts, the NFL launched an investigation.  “Well, I didn’t want to have to throw anyone under the bus…” said Coach Bill Belichick, “…but it was all Daniel.”

Daniel Ryan, the 7-year-old scapegoat, has been battling cancer for months.  Fortunately, the Make-A-Wish Foundation granted Daniel’s wish to watch from the sidelines as his favorite football team wins the AFC championship.

“It was one hundred percent his idea, and the rest of us were oblivious,” said Belichick, who later pointed out that the rule book doesn’t say anything about using balls specifically deflated by cancer patients.  When Tom Brady was asked why he didn’t notify officials when he noticed the underinflated balls, he admitted he “really didn’t want to let Daniel down.” And that he “had to win for Daniel’s sake.”

Update – League officials are very suspicious upon learning that Daniel was not even in attendance during the game and therefore could NOT have been the one to deflate the footballs.  Earlier in the day, Daniel was hospitalized, (presumably because he made eye contact with Belichick) causing him to miss the championship game.

Belichick could not be reached for comment on this new development because he was nose deep in a stolen Seahawks’ playbook and couldn’t be disturbed.

Benihana Restaurants Regret Using Revolutionary ‘Cook It Yourself, In Front Of Yourself’ Tactic

Miami, FL – Benihanas is famous for having the chefs cook the meal on a hibachi grill at the customer’s table while doing tricks such as throwing knives, using spatulas to throw shrimp tails, etc.  “With the increasing popularity of topping personalization, as seen in Subway and Chipotle restaurants, we thought ‘let’s take it one step further’, and let our customers personally cook their own food,” said Benihana CEO Richard Stockinger.  “Everyone loves watching one of our chefs twirl a knife around their finger.  Now they get to try for themselves.”

When Misinformer reporters arrived at a local Benihanas to investigate the new program, the restaurant was in a state of chaos.  Fire truck and ambulance lights lit up the parking lot, smoke poured out through the doors of the restaurant, and screams echoed from inside.  Fire Chief Matthew Ford was at the scene. “Yeah, within minutes of them starting this thing, we got a call.  Mostly it was people’s clothes catching on fire.  One guy layed his face on the grill while trying to catch a shrimp tail,” said Ford.  “The ambulance guys have had it rough.  They’ve been removing chopsticks from every orifice imaginable.  They also have to sort through all the severed fingers and figure out which one belongs to who.”

“All that said, I have a reservation tomorrow night, and I’m really excited for my own unique experience.”

Gorilla Embarrassed To Share Common Ancestor With Creationist Ken Ham

San Francisco, CA – Koko the gorilla, famous for her ability to communicate through sign language, recently expressed her embarrassment that she and Ken Ham evolved from a common ancestor.  Ken Ham is a prominent creationist and president of Answers in Genesis, a group which operates the ‘Creation Museum’ in Petersburg, Kentucky.  Koko watched a recording of the 2014 debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye ‘The Science Guy’ over the origins of planet earth and humanity.

Ken Ham

“I can’t believe this man is unable to grasp the concept of sharing a common ancestor versus evolving directly from apes,” signed Koko (according to her caretaker).  “And how does he think that all these animals actually fit onto a small wooden boat? It just isn’t feasible.” Koko went on to say how ridiculous it is that Ham thinks that a book written years and years ago is somehow more reliable than scientifically proven carbon dating or geologic and fossil evidence.

Koko also identified molecular biology’s role in evolution, stating “Humans and apes share analogous chromosomes, including a fusion of two ape chromosomes to make human chromosome 2…” At this point, the translator seemed to get confused.  “I think Koko is saying something about embryology, but honestly a lot of this stuff is going over my head…” said the caretaker.

Once Koko got done signing about the technical intricacies of evolution, she went in a more philosophical direction.  “It’s not that I am absolutely sure God doesn’t exist, He might.  If He does exist, I’m sure God used evolution as a tool to get the world to where it is today.”  Such a high level of intelligence and understanding from this creature is truly remarkable; especially considering Ken Ham probably couldn’t learn sign language even if he tried.

Dumb Look On Jay Cutler’s Face Actually Evidence Of Permanent Concussion

Doctors have determined that the Chicago Bears Quarterback suffered a rare ‘permanent concussion’ while playing college football at Vanderbilt University.  Permanent concussions are characterized by dumb facial expressions and poor decision making.  Because this type of brain trauma is difficult to detect, the injury went unnoticed until his ninth year in the NFL. Suddenly, Cutler turning the ball over 21 times this season isn’t so bewildering. Many Bears fans are now questioning whether or not general manager Phil Emery also has a permanent concussion due to the fact that he signed Jay Cutler to a 126 million dollar contract.