Urbana-Champagne, IL – Kevin “Keg-a-tron” Johnson was rushed to the nearest infirmary after being found to have a blood alcohol content, or BAC, of only 0.09% – only one point over the legal driving limit. BACs in the single digits have not been seen in the AOM fraternity since finals week, 1962 – the year the fraternity was founded. Fortunately, a nearby sorority house had a functioning medical tent.
Well-trained nursing students were constantly at Kevin’s bedside to monitor his recovery while the whisky IV returned Kevin to his baseline altered mental status. “I could feel rational, lucid, conscious thoughts creeping in” he slurred, sipping a cold Keystone light in his recovery blanket. “It’s scary, bro, I think I almost remembered some responsibilities for a second there.” Nursing students were standing by with an emergency beer bong in case Kevin started asking where he was, or how he got there – classic signs of sobering up. After a few hours, nausea and vomiting set in, followed by blurry vison and incomprehensible speech. These symptoms, while alarming to the average person, actually indicated that Kevin was, in fact, ready to return to the party.
The Misinformer 
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