Man Drowns While Playing Pool

Tampa Bay, FL – In a tragic turn of events, accountant Gary Simmons drowned Friday while playing pool at a local bar.  Official reports state that Simmons was seen eating hot wings and drinking beer moments before stumbling over to the pool table where he cramped up and fell forward onto the pool table.  Despite thrashing and attempting to call for help, none of the other patrons were able to react in a timely manner.  The Tampa medical examiner claims that the chances of surviving after inhaling as many pool balls as Simmons did is extremely low.

Simmons’ Chest X-Ray

“I warned him to avoid the pool table until at least 30 minutes after eating because he is not a very strong pool player.  He knew that but he did it anyway,” said Arnold Simmons (brother).  Simmons’ family plans to sue the bar for negligence since there was no lifeguard on duty at the time of the accident.  The manager of the establishment claims he is not scared of a lawsuit and gestured toward the “Play Pool at Own Risk” sign on the wall.

The Simmons family had been plagued by this type of tragedy years earlier when Grandfather Michael Simmons was attacked by a pool shark.

Anxious, Paranoid Bryan Cranston Looking To Score Next Hit TV Show

Bryan Cranston before (L) and after (R) ‘Breaking Bad’

Albuquerque, NM – Bryan Cranston was recently seen nonchalantly, yet suspiciously, asking pedestrians if they had any good TV scripts.  When Misinformer reporters approached the star of the hit television show ‘Breaking Bad,’ he appeared visibly disturbed and very pale.  “Come on, I just need something to tide me over until my next big score” said a noticeably thinner Cranston.  When told that we didn’t have any screenplays for him, his mood rapidly shifted.  “If you’re here to take my Emmys, I hope you realize I’m not afraid of you.  I am the danger,” he exclaimed threateningly.  After some convincing that his Emmys were not in danger, the paranoid delusions subsided, and Cranston was able to relax a bit and participate in the interview.

“Man, there is just no euphoria like the first time we filmed ‘Breaking Bad.’  I’ve been chasing that dragon ever since,” said Cranston, while picking at imaginary bugs on his face.  He went on to explain how he hasn’t been able to eat or sleep lately.  He also seemed very disinterested in his friends/costars Aaron Paul and Anna Gunn.  Cranston argued they weren’t friends because Paul wouldn’t even get him a part in the recent ‘Need for Speed’ movie.  He later added, “They don’t care about me, you know?  [Breaking Bad Creator] Gilligan used to hook me up with the best stuff, but he won’t anymore.”

“For a while there, I thought about trying to manufacture my own high-quality screenplays in my basement,” said Cranston, noting that he had a good formula for a show. “But, if you don’t mix plot, cinematography, and directing just right, then the character chemistry off.  When the chemistry is off, careers can be injured, or even killed.”

In light of these events, treatment centers are opening up across the country to help actors of once great TV shows survive withdrawal symptoms like these.  Michael C. Hall of Showtime’s ‘Dexter’ was admitted to one of these centers in Miami after he was seen purchasing plastic wrap, knives, and glass slides.