Kentucky Derby Jockey Put Down After Breaking Leg

Louisville, KY – Tragedy struck on Saturday as prize-winning Jockey, Steve Biscuit broke his leg a mere two lengths from the Kentucky Derby finish line.  As the Churchill Downs veterinarian walked out onto the polytrack, double-barrel shotgun in hand, the crowd fell silent.  No one was more devastated than owner Mike Daniels.  Steve Biscuit, sired by Lee Biscuit, was purchased by Daniels at 1 year of age.  “I remember his first race… He got spooked and ran all the way back to the barn,” recounted Daniels, wiping a tear from his eye, “I miss him already.  Not just for emotional reasons, but for the financial ones too.”  Lee was 112 pounds of pure muscle; a real specimen.  Daniels had consistently invested in Lee by providing the highest quality feed and shoes. “I’ll always remember the first time I was nailing his brand new Sketchers [size 4] into his feet.  He hated it at first, but he learned to love them.”  Daniels had been in talks with various breeders to sell Lee’s mating rights for upward of two million.  Visitation will be next Saturday from 10:00-2:00 before Lee is shipped to his final resting place, Elmer’s glue factory.

Geneticist Opens ‘Jurassic Botanical Gardens’

San Diego, CA – Misinformer reporters attended the grand opening of ‘Jurassic Botanical Gardens’ led by Dr. Alvin Stone, lead Geneticist of the park.  A transcript of Stone’s speech follows.

“People have always been fascinated with prehistoric life.  Now, everyone will finally have the chance to see prehistoric plants alive in front of their very eyes.  Like in the movie ‘Jurassic Park,’ we were able to extract DNA from fossilized insects.  We then spent the last 25 years isolating the plant strains (by removing dinosaur strains). After that, we put them into palm tree seeds and grew our very own prehistoric plants!

Children around the world will get to look up at an incredible 300 foot tall Araucaria mirabilis tree and imagine a giant Brachiasaurus chewing on the leaves.  Or, if trees aren’t your thing, we’ve got bushes too.  You’ll get to look at a group of Equisetum thermale bushes and picture in your mind’s eye, a ferocious Velociraptor hiding behind them, stalking its prey.

Not only are these advancements useful for entertainment, but also for research.  There are so many questions that people had, like ‘do prehistoric plants photosynthesize?’ and now we know they do.  Or… I don’t know…‘were prehistoric plants green?’ ….and they are.  Ok, so… the questions are admittedly not that interesting.  The real appeal of our new park is definitely getting to imagine your favorite dinosaurs scattered among some actual prehistoric botanicals.

Our most exciting exhibit is the Tyrannosaurus-imagining exhibit.  We have several Cycadeoidea megalophylla that have been flattened and you get to picture a giant T-Rex crushing this measly plant with his massive foot while chasing a smaller weaker dinosaur.  Or you can envision the T-Rex knocking down the plant while locked in a deadly battle with a Triceratops.

Man… just the thought of watching that fight… Could you imagine if we had actually made a real-life Tyrannosaurus Rex? Wait…Shit…”

Stone then turned away from his microphone, towards his team of scientists on stage.  He appeared to say “Whose idea was it to make fucking plants?… Why didn’t someone say something?! We fucked up!”  Stone stormed off stage, presumably realizing he had wasted 25 years of his life.

Man Drowns While Playing Pool

Tampa Bay, FL – In a tragic turn of events, accountant Gary Simmons drowned Friday while playing pool at a local bar.  Official reports state that Simmons was seen eating hot wings and drinking beer moments before stumbling over to the pool table where he cramped up and fell forward onto the pool table.  Despite thrashing and attempting to call for help, none of the other patrons were able to react in a timely manner.  The Tampa medical examiner claims that the chances of surviving after inhaling as many pool balls as Simmons did is extremely low.

Simmons’ Chest X-Ray

“I warned him to avoid the pool table until at least 30 minutes after eating because he is not a very strong pool player.  He knew that but he did it anyway,” said Arnold Simmons (brother).  Simmons’ family plans to sue the bar for negligence since there was no lifeguard on duty at the time of the accident.  The manager of the establishment claims he is not scared of a lawsuit and gestured toward the “Play Pool at Own Risk” sign on the wall.

The Simmons family had been plagued by this type of tragedy years earlier when Grandfather Michael Simmons was attacked by a pool shark.