Kentucky Derby Jockey Put Down After Breaking Leg

Louisville, KY – Tragedy struck on Saturday as prize-winning Jockey, Steve Biscuit broke his leg a mere two lengths from the Kentucky Derby finish line.  As the Churchill Downs veterinarian walked out onto the polytrack, double-barrel shotgun in hand, the crowd fell silent.  No one was more devastated than owner Mike Daniels.  Steve Biscuit, sired by Lee Biscuit, was purchased by Daniels at 1 year of age.  “I remember his first race… He got spooked and ran all the way back to the barn,” recounted Daniels, wiping a tear from his eye, “I miss him already.  Not just for emotional reasons, but for the financial ones too.”  Lee was 112 pounds of pure muscle; a real specimen.  Daniels had consistently invested in Lee by providing the highest quality feed and shoes. “I’ll always remember the first time I was nailing his brand new Sketchers [size 4] into his feet.  He hated it at first, but he learned to love them.”  Daniels had been in talks with various breeders to sell Lee’s mating rights for upward of two million.  Visitation will be next Saturday from 10:00-2:00 before Lee is shipped to his final resting place, Elmer’s glue factory.

Guy Buying Fire Extinguisher Seems To Be In Big Hurry

Cedar Park, Texas – A local suburban man was seen standing in line at a nearby hardware store to purchase a fire extinguisher. “Geez, what is this guy’s problem?” said store patron Mindy Williams. “He’s fidgeting and dancing around like a 5 year old who has to go to the bathroom.” “Yeah, and why is he so sweaty and out of breath?” added 2nd in line Gina Fitzgerald.  “He somehow managed to sweat through a suit!”

The anxious man was spotted moving from line to line, only to find that each new line was moving more slowly than the last.  Eventually, he was seen asking Fitzgerald if he could go ahead of her.  She, of course, denied.  “He actually had the nerve to ask if he could cut in line,” she said. “He needs to accept the fact that we are all in a rush to get to the places we have to be.” Williams added that she did not like people who smoke. “I bet he was in a hurry to buy more cigarettes.  He smelled like a freaking chimney.”

College Fraternity Member Found To Have Dangerously Low Blood Alcohol Content

Urbana-Champagne, IL – Kevin “Keg-a-tron” Johnson was rushed to the nearest infirmary after being found to have a blood alcohol content, or BAC, of only 0.09% – only one point over the legal driving limit.  BACs in the single digits have not been seen in the AOM fraternity since finals week, 1962 – the year the fraternity was founded.  Fortunately, a nearby sorority house had a functioning medical tent.

Well-trained nursing students were constantly at Kevin’s bedside to monitor his recovery while the whisky IV returned Kevin to his baseline altered mental status.  “I could feel rational, lucid, conscious thoughts creeping in” he slurred, sipping a cold Keystone light in his recovery blanket. “It’s scary, bro, I think I almost remembered some responsibilities for a second there.”  Nursing students were standing by with an emergency beer bong in case Kevin started asking where he was, or how he got there – classic signs of sobering up.  After a few hours, nausea and vomiting set in, followed by blurry vison and incomprehensible speech. These symptoms, while alarming to the average person, actually indicated that Kevin was, in fact, ready to return to the party.